Written by: Lynne Cole – Qualified Therapist | Published: March 2024 and Updated October 2025
In the UK, more than 8 million people are living with an anxiety disorder at any one time (Mental Health Foundation, 2024). If you love or care about someone with anxiety, chances are you’ve found yourself lost for words, unsure how to comfort them without making things worse.
The truth is, supporting someone with anxiety isn’t easy. You want to help, but sometimes the words that come out, although often well-intentioned, end up leaving your loved one feeling more misunderstood or alone.
This guide will walk you through what not to say, why certain phrases can be harmful, and what you can say instead to help your loved one feel safe, heard, and supported.
By the end, you’ll feel more confident in how to communicate with someone struggling with anxiety, with practical tools you can use straight away.
Why Words Matter – The Psychology Behind Language and Anxiety
When someone is anxious, their brain is already on high alert. The fight-or-flight response, designed to protect us from danger, kicks in even when there’s no real threat. This means the anxious brain is primed to pick up on tone, word choice, and subtle cues.
Language plays a huge role here. Invalidating or dismissive words can heighten stress hormones and reinforce the anxious person’s belief that they are not safe or understood. On the other hand, validating words calm the nervous system and help re-establish connection.
Research consistently shows that validation reduces emotional distress, while invalidation (even when unintentional) makes symptoms worse. Put simply: your words can either soothe the anxious brain or add fuel to the fire.
15+ Things Never to Say to Someone with Anxiety
Not all unhelpful phrases sound the same. They generally fall into four categories: dismissive, minimising, solution-forcing, and boundary-crossing. Let’s explore each with examples, why they hurt, and what to say instead.
Dismissive Phrases
“Just relax” / “Calm down”
Why this hurts: These phrases suggest anxiety is a simple switch that can be turned off, which invalidates how overwhelming it feels.
Say this instead: “I can see you’re finding this tough. I’m here with you.”
Why it works: Acknowledges the struggle and offers grounding support rather than dismissal.
“Don’t worry about it”
Why this hurts: It dismisses the worry, which is very real for the person experiencing it.
Say this instead: “I know this feels worrying for you. Let’s take it one step at a time.”
Why it works: Validates the worry while gently introducing reassurance.
“It’s all in your head”
Why this hurts: Implies the anxiety isn’t real or valid, which increases shame.
Say this instead: “Your feelings are real, and I want to understand them better.”
Why it works: Respects their experience and opens the door for conversation.
“You’re overreacting”
Why this hurts: Suggests the anxious response is exaggerated, fuelling guilt and self-criticism.
Say this instead: “I can see this is affecting you strongly. Want to tell me more about it?”
Why it works: Creates space for expression instead of judgment.
“Stop being dramatic”
Why this hurts: Labels the person as attention-seeking, which can worsen isolation.
Say this instead: “This seems really intense for you right now.”
Why it works: Recognises the intensity without attaching negative labels.
“You need to snap out of it”
Why this hurts: Implies anxiety is a choice, undermining the reality of the condition.
Say this instead: “I know this isn’t easy. Let’s focus on what might help you through it.”
Why it works: Shifts to constructive, compassionate support.
Minimising Phrases
“It’s not a big deal”
Why this hurts: Invalidates the significance of the worry.
Say this instead: “It feels like a big deal to you right now, and that matters.”
“It could be worse”
Why this hurts: Encourages comparison and diminishes the person’s feelings.
Say this instead: “I know this feels overwhelming for you.”
“Other people have it worse”
Why this hurts: Fuels guilt and shuts down openness.
Say this instead: “What you’re going through is important, and I want to support you.”
“You’re being too sensitive”
Why this hurts: Suggests a flaw in personality rather than a valid response.
Say this instead: “Your feelings are valid, even if I don’t fully understand them.”
“Everyone gets anxious sometimes”
Why this hurts: Minimises anxiety by equating it with everyday stress.
Say this instead: “I know your anxiety feels different and more intense than everyday worry.”
Solution-Forcing Phrases
“Just don’t think about it”
Why this hurts: Implies control over thoughts is simple when it isn’t.
Say this instead: “Would it help if we tried a grounding technique together?”
“Have you tried [yoga/meditation]?”
Why this hurts: Can feel dismissive, as if suggesting a “quick fix.”
Say this instead: “Would you like me to share something that has helped others, or would you prefer I just listen?”
“You need to be stronger”
Why this hurts: Suggests weakness, increasing shame.
Say this instead: “You’re dealing with a lot, your strength shows in how you keep going.”
“Let me handle this for you”
Why this hurts: Can feel disempowering, removing autonomy.
Say this instead: “I’m here to support you. How much would you like me to get involved?”
Boundary-Crossing Phrases
“You’re ruining the mood”
Why this hurts: Places blame and increases guilt, often worsening symptoms.
Say this instead: “I care about you, and I want to understand what’s happening for you right now.”
Why it works: Shifts from blame to connection, showing support without criticism.
“Can we talk about this later?” (when dismissive)
Why this hurts: Can make the person feel like a burden, shutting down communication.
Say this instead: “I want to give this my full attention, but I can’t right now. Can we sit down together later today?”
Why it works: Sets a boundary while still validating the importance of the conversation.
“Not this again”
Why this hurts: Suggests annoyance and lack of patience, increasing shame and isolation.
Say this instead: “I know this comes up a lot for you, and I’m here to listen.”
Why it works: Shows consistent availability and compassion.
What TO Say: Supportive Communication Strategies
When in doubt, keep it simple, validating, and collaborative. Here are some supportive phrases and why they help:
- “This sounds really difficult.”
Validates their struggle without judgment. - “I’m here for you.”
Provides reassurance of presence and support. - “How can I best support you right now?”
Gives choice and control back to the anxious person. - “Your feelings make sense.”
Normalises their experience and reduces shame. - “We’ll figure this out together.”
Emphasises teamwork, reducing feelings of isolation.
Nonverbal communication matters too:
A calm tone, gentle eye contact, and open body language can be as important as the words themselves. Sometimes silence paired with steady presence is the best form of support.
Example scenario:
If your partner is anxious before a social event, instead of saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine,” try: “I know this feels overwhelming. Do you want to arrive a bit early so we can settle in together?”
Summary & Key Takeaways
Supporting someone with anxiety isn’t about having all the answers, it’s about listening, validating, and showing consistent care.
Key reminders:
- Words have real psychological impact. Choose them thoughtfully.
- Avoid dismissive, minimising, solution-forcing, and boundary-crossing phrases.
- Replace unhelpful words with validation, presence, and collaborative support.
- Nonverbal communication can be just as powerful as spoken reassurance.
Remember: supporting someone with anxiety is a skill you build over time. With practice, you’ll become more confident in knowing what to say and what not to say. Most importantly, your willingness to learn already makes a world of difference.