Written By: Lynne Cole – Therapist & Counsellor | Last Updated: May 2023
What Is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is how you see and measure yourself against your own standards. You have high self-esteem if you have confidence in your abilities, good qualities, and connections with other people. Self-esteem is not arrogance, it is a realistic assessment of your good points and other people’s opinions about you.
Why is Self-Esteem Important?
It is important to value and respect yourself. Negative self-talk and poor self-esteem lead to low mood and self-neglect. Maintaining self-esteem has many positive effects.
If you think of yourself as a good, capable person, you are more likely to take opportunities when they come up and be open to learning new skills and information, as you know you can do these things well. You will be more prepared to speak up against wrongdoing and mistreatment if you strongly believe in your own standards of good behaviour, and less likely to break or neglect those standards yourself. In my experience believing you are good and capable makes you more good and capable.
Examples of Self Esteem
- A person with self-esteem is likely to offer more in group projects, knowing their contribution is valued, and to pursue chances for promotions and better workplace benefits.
- They will trust their partner more, as they know they bring good things to the relationship, and this will strengthen the relationship.They will also know when their skills are not suited for a task and pass it on to someone else with no offence, as they know they have other skills that are just as valid.
- They will be more likely to seek out and keep good relationships and know when to leave or work on a bad one, as they know they and their loved ones all deserve to be happy and have company they enjoy.
- They will be more likely to keep themselves healthy and their living space pleasant, as they know they deserve to feel good.
What Is Self-Worth?
Self-worth is the belief that you are worthwhile and valuable just because you exist as a person, not because of anything you did or didn’t do. All humans are recognised as worthy of respect and love, including you. A newborn baby is loved very much without having to achieve anything, so your self-worth should rely on your humanity and not your self-esteem.
Why is Self-Worth Important?
Self-esteem and mood in general can change a lot, depending on circumstances. If you have just lost a job, ended a relationship, or come last in a competition, your self-esteem might be very low, and will take some time to recover. Self-worth is vital in times like these, as it reminds you that you still deserve love, belonging, and care. It allows you to love and look after yourself, even in moments when you don’t like yourself very much.
As mentioned above, neither self-esteem or self-worth is the same thing as arrogance or egotism; they are a healthy and realistic but optimistic, rather than excessive, view of one’s value, which does not require putting down other people in comparison. While self-worth shows that your accomplishments are not a necessary part of being loved and respected, it does not encourage complacency.
Rather, it encourages you to keep improving your circumstances and skills because you deserve self-esteem as well as self-worth.
Examples of Self-Worth
- A person with high self-worth will feel a sense of control over their life, environment, and self-expression.
- They will feel secure in their beliefs, standards, and boundaries, and confident maintaining them.
- When they face obstacles or tragedies, they will find it easier to cope and recover, and if they make a mistake, they will be better able to forgive themselves and move on.
- They will be less competitive, as they feel no need to prove anything, but will still seek ways to make circumstances better for themself and others.
Can You Have High Self-Worth but Low Self-Esteem?
Absolutely. It is perfectly possible to recognise that you have value as a person while lacking a healthy appreciation of your abilities and knowledge.
It’s also possible to have low self-esteem about some things while it remains high with regards to other things. If you have a particular skill you might highly value it while thinking it’s the only thing you’re good at, even if that isn’t true.
5 Key Differences Between Self-Esteem & Self-Worth
1) Self-worth is how you feel about who you are, while self-esteem is how you feel about what you can do. Self-worth is a recognition of your intrinsic value as a person, based on your internal self, while self-esteem is recognition of your accomplishments and contributions to the external world.
2) Self-esteem is the idea that you are worthy of respect because of your abilities and it encourages you to strive to accomplish and contribute more, while self-worth helps you understand that you have worth even when you don’t accomplish or contribute.
3) Self-esteem can be shattered by external circumstances like making a mistake or having something bad happen, and requires time to build back up. Self-worth is more resilient, accepting that there is nothing that can take away a person’s inherent worth.
4) Self-worth gives you gratitude for the good things about yourself and your life, and for being who you are. Self-esteem gives you confidence in your ability to make your life and your skills even better and to improve the lives of others.
5) Self-esteem may encourage you to compare yourself to others, while self-worth reminds you that you and everyone else are equally deserving of love no matter what.
Causes of Low Self-Worth & Low Self-Esteem
Abuse
Bullying and abuse, especially in childhood, are common causes of low self-worth and self-esteem. Even if the person saying so is someone you hate, like a playground bully, if you’re told over and over that you’re worthless, it’s very hard not to start to believe it. I
It’s worse if it’s someone you love, like a partner or parent; often an abusive loved one will alternate abusive behaviour with positive and supportive behaviour, which makes the problem harder to recognise. If your caregivers or partner made love and positive attention conditional, based on things like your behaviour or skill performance or appearance, your idea of your worth may be tied to those things, so if your confidence in them is knocked, so is your whole self-image.
Many people struggle to leave this mindset behind, and may need professional help to do so. It’s also possible you genuinely weren’t very good at things people around you were good at, such as school, and however understanding your loved ones were, that can hurt.
Society places a lot of importance on being good at schoolwork, for example, but the school system isn’t set up the best way for everyone to work, and lots of people struggle in it. If you had a family member who was highly praised for a skill you didn’t have, like sports, that also might make you feel bad.
Mental Illness
Mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and certain types of obsessive-compulsive disorder can also be a factor. Sometimes these conditions are the result of prior trauma such as abuse, but sometimes they may be from a chemical imbalance, so if you’re showing symptoms, don’t dismiss the possibility even if your life has been perfectly happy so far.
Depression makes it hard to feel positive about anything, including oneself. Anxiety and “pure-O” OCD cause irrational fears, which might include the fear that you can’t cope with a situation even if you have done so before, that your skills will fail you, or that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. These conditions can be very difficult to live with, and if you suspect you have one or more of them you should speak to your doctor.
Physical Illness
Physical illnesses may be a cause, as well. If you suffer from a chronic illness, serious injury, or disability, it’s quite common to blame yourself and to think that it ruins your ability to achieve anything. The “just world fallacy” is a common thought pattern in which people think that if something bad happens to them, they must have done something wrong or be a bad person to deserve it. This simply isn’t true, and while disabilities and health conditions can be a serious obstacle to overcome, there are still things you can achieve and do well while taking them into account.
None of the causes of low self-esteem or self-worth are your fault. Humans are social creatures and require emotional support and positive reinforcement. If you aren’t getting that, you may be able to solve the issue by talking to your loved ones, or you may need to seek a new social circle, but either way, you do deserve it.
Low Self-esteem vs. Low Self-worth: When & How to Seek Help
If you notice that your low opinion of yourself and your skills is hindering you in daily life or making you feel bad, you should speak to your doctor and ask for advice. They may suggest medication, talk therapies, or both, and will be able to help you find a therapist if you want. If they don’t seem helpful, feel free to ask for a second opinion from a different doctor.
You can also cut out the middleman and find a therapist on your own. Several low-cost services and support groups exist; search online for therapy in your local area, or for therapists who work online if there is nothing suitable near you.
It may take a while to find a therapist or for medication to work, so in the meantime it may help to work on your self-esteem and self-worth yourself. Keep your body healthy to help maintain a healthy mind, and try meditation – many guided meditations are available for free online, and you can easily find plenty specifically about self-esteem and self-worth. Try to be aware of anything that causes you to think badly of yourself, and challenge those thoughts or distract yourself. Work on skills you enjoy using and make a list of traits about yourself that you like and appreciate.
Maintaining self-esteem can be hard, especially in a culture where we’re always comparing ourselves to other people. Keep in mind your self-worth and your validity, and self-esteem will come.